My First Holiday Season in Years Without Fear
For the first time in four to five years, I am not waking up with a court date looming over my head. There is no paperwork coming. No crisis to prepare for. No one plotting behind the scenes. No reason for anyone to serve me. And saying that out loud feels surreal.
It feels like walking out of a prison I never volunteered to enter. It feels like stepping off probation after years of being monitored, judged, attacked, and misunderstood. For the first time in a long time, I can simply live.
I can date someone without interference. No one trying to sabotage it. No one trying to ruin something good before it even begins.
I can have friendships without someone trying to infiltrate them, sleep with them, use them, or manipulate them for their own benefit.
My children feel it too. They are lighter. Happier. Talking more. Laughing more. Looking forward to the holidays instead of bracing for the next meltdown or drama storm. Their shoulders have dropped. Their hearts are opening again.
And while mentally it feels incredible to breathe again, my body is reacting in its own way. Years of survival mode rewired me. When the danger finally ends, the body crashes so it can recalibrate. Mine is tired. Exhausted in a way that doesn’t come from lack of sleep but from years of hypervigilance. It’s learning that it is finally safe. It’s unwinding old tension. It’s releasing old cortisol. It’s coming back into balance.
But my creativity is back. My intuition is clearer. My joy feels real again. My soul feels spacious. And for the first time in years, I feel free.
There is something beautiful about this happening right before the holidays. Peace feels like the greatest gift I could have been given this year.
If you’re in your own rebuilding season, let this be your reminder. Freedom often feels strange at first. Your body might crash. Your emotions might wobble. Your energy might come back in waves. That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you’re healing.
It means you made it out.
And you deserve what comes next.
